get into the melancholy

i hate being depressed but the melancholy ......... well, the word, Holy is in it, ya know.  MelancHOLY.  So it can't be that bad.  Besides, its something to contemplate and i am introspective afterall.  

i will always be alone.

No one understands me.

These are laments.

But what if i told you something like this:

Every single night i drink to escape depression.

Every single morning i awake WITH depression due to drinking.

Catch 22.

Self destruction!

Self defeat!

Self-fulfilled prophecy.

Compare that to the other and i have to think that laments are an easier woe.  Longing and aching are nothing by comparison.

post delete post delete

This makes me think i'm bi-polar.

Post, delete, post, delete. Up, down. Happy, sad. Bringing happiness to others through infectiousness and good deeds, bringing everyone down through over-contemplation, hyper-analyzation, the morose, and the disease of insecurity and need.

That's me!

Joy.

Wow, that's sad.

the non-active interactive component

i don't want to pretend i don't care, because i do care -- but i'm just less invested now.  In other words, my emotions are not dictating my life these days. 

i went back to an alternative site where i met Master (five years ago woohoo) and so, i have a sort of soft-spot for the memories of my epiphany and all that i learned and experienced as a result of the alt website as a conduit.  But in going back there last night to actually look at things, i realized MORE about growth.

If you go back to highschool to try and LIVE highschool again after having been away from it, after having graduated from it, you realize how lucky you are to have gotten out.  Some people never get out.  Some people, like those even at alt, are changed but that change involves meeting at the Walmart rather than meeting at Doughnut King.  They're still rehashing initial discovery rather than evolving.

They're still dissecting the first kiss, the loss of virginity, cutting school and making cheerleader captain.  They still hold their positions for best smile, cutest, most popular, less likely to succeed ...... except in a familiar, incestuous world.

And they're still pumping up their deflated egos by having one single goal:  ratings.  

i am not saying that it wasn't a great resource ... at one time ... but to go back and see the same old people posting the same old things and the same old popularity factor ranking as the same old schlock, well, it was good THEN, but now?

You are only as good as your NEW self.  Old pics, blogs that regurgitate old news, flesh that is thin and sagging and pushed into moth-eaten corsets ............ i mean, at least keep the brain supple and lean and thriving.  Think:  Seinfeld.  Go out on a high note.  (Remind me of this next year when my blog writing has surpassed six years, k?)

communication

i felt that a huge weight had been lifted.  i had, afterall, finally liberated my stifled self from the weight of not saying something -- of having to contain my feelings.  

People say they want communication but really, they're petrified of it.  They don't really want it.  They don't want to hear what they don't want to hear.  They'll blame you for it, anyway -- if you paint a picture of perfection needing some tending to, they'll just say you're out to sabotage the dream by suggesting evolution or maintenance.  A fresh coat of paint doesn't mean replacing the walls, but they'll see you as bashing them down and ruining a good thing by suggesting even a minor touch-up forget about a renovation.

i'm reminded of a poem a friend once game me.  It was called "Nothing Lasts Forever".  There must be a million poems on-line with that same title.  i know i won't last forever.  i'm faced with my own mortality every single day.  i obsess over it.  i've watched people die and leave since the time i was a child ... i know my attractiveness is based on looks more than soul ... of course i'm going to be consumed with the matter of the MOMENT more than the future, more than reflecting on how i got here with this sickness of needing to take advantage of every single day.

But, i don't believe romance and love don't last forever.  They are forever to me.  They have to be forever.  They just have to be.  

the joy of impulsiveness

i used to mistake impulse for instinct.  A Master once corrected me on it.  i used to say, "trust your instinct; its never wrong".  Now i'm whistling, "trust your impulse -- it may be wrong but better to know failure than to know nothing at all".

Besides, who is to say that impulse driven isn't ultimately instinct driven?  Impulse doesn't allow for contemplation or deliberation.  Its immediate, completely visceral, and as far as i know, that means animalistic and animals don't think, they just do.  Their physicality has a sort of auto-brain power that is intuitive rather than intellectual.

Yeah, whatever.  Sounds hi-falutin to me.  Just musing and God, when i get going ......... i could practically detest myself!

Let me bring this back down to the earth ...

i can keep waiting for certain things to happen.  i can have my dreams and keep them up there on a shelf.

Or i can CLIMB up to reach them.  Even if i don't quite achieve the plateau of ideals, i can at least get so close that i will never have regret for not having lived life to its fullest potential.  (Emphasis on potential -- everything, almost everything, has potential to be better than it is .......... or else i'm just perhaps the dissatisfied type.  Good is just never enough when you dream of great.)

If you wait around for perfection, it just might escape you altogether.  Best to take "present perfect" and make it more perfect.  What the heck is perfect anyway?  Some people will suffer while waiting for it ... only for it to never arrive.  

If you take something as a replica, does that mean compromise?  Does it mean settling?  If you create the mini-environment to mirror the mega-environment, is that a concession?  

i'd say its actually better.  You can wait a life-time to wear the special scarf on the special occasion but what good is it if its still there in the drawer waiting after your time is up?  What if you never wore the scarf ... the special scarf for the special occasion (you all do know that anecdotal little story, don't you?  about the woman who saved the special scarf year after year after year ... but then she ran out of the years waiting).  Its like the special crystal for the special dinner on the special day when meantime, EVERY SINGLE MOMENT is special.

Size it up.  Seize it.  Savor it.  my castle is whatever castle i can fashion out of sand RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW.

for my romantic believer friends ...

Master's bestfriend had His turn at flogging me and then at a point, He turned to Master and said, "she responds better to You" and He handed Master the flogger.

The flogger belonged to the friend and it was buttery soft leather. Master asked if i liked it and i did but ......... i like Master's flogger so much better. Its bigger and longer. It delivers the sound of a thud and the whallop of a life-time. The smack of it makes me feel voluptuous. All i see in my mind are my hips. i reach into it -- lift my bottom and arch the swell of my back to meet it. i'm not into the sting that much -- the high-pitched stuff when it hits what i hate to refer to as a fatty area. i'm into the thunder of it. The deep blows from it -- things that set off a rumble inside and things that ignite FIRE inside me. And i love my back being beaten. Very sexy. Very passionate.

More than the flogger itself, its that i love the WAY Master flogs me. Its His strength -- the way He uses His arms. The precision. The way we're in sync. Its a perfect harmony. Its the way He looms over me matter-of-factly -- no pretense -- no puffed up "I'm in charge" thing -- and its not playing. Its not kinky. Its instead like genuine love-making. Just as sex for the sake of sex is just sex, so too is this flogging -- flogging is one thing, but a Master flogging His own slave is intimacy epitomized.

~~~ + ~~~

Illustration by Erich Von Gotha.

something HUGE and ENGORGED

my imagination!  (And yours is filthy dirty for thinking something else ... and we like that!)

my imagination is vast ... it explains why i'm creative and why i frolic in the gutter and depravity and great serious perversion.

It explains why i project greatness onto a lesser man, why i read into things in an attempt to find reason.  And for THAT, Master says i am crazy -- He continues to remind me that there is no logic to be found in the illogical.  And well, i guess that makes me illogical for still trying.

my imagination is responsible for my disappointments, too.  When i've conceived of some fairy tale picture and it turns out to be a frog or a pumpkin instead.  If i aspire to something and it fails me, i suppose i could blame my imagination for that ... or else applaud it for allowing all sorts of possibility and an array of opportunity.

my imagination is what allows me to be both a dreamer and a believer.  It allows me to think the worst or hope for the best ... to soar in victory and grovel in defeat EVEN if neither are relevant.  

i imagine that my imagination is so vivid that i may even be possibly imagining that i have any!

defeat = conquest ??

How so?  How on earth could defeat EVER equal conquest?

BRAVERY.

i'm telling you, BRAVERY.

COURAGE.

And now i love myself so much more.  It might even overshadow the self-loathing!

i did it.  i did it!  i conquered and found closure ... had my say ... had my day ... pissed on THEM to find peace on me.  i bid farewell to all that or those unworthy.  i found asylum.  The EXILE!  And somehow i am now more in touch.  i didn't have to recede afterall.  i found victory here amongst the ashes.  Dramatic, okay.  But funny how digging a grave for the drama sets me free.

Buoys (Buoys, Boys, same thing)

People as buoys -- sometimes the wrong people -- and then of course, blogs, dependencies, addictions, you name it -- they're all crutches.

i've used people -- the latching onto them if i feel comfortable enough.  Even when it is the wrong relationship, i've done so because isn't it better to know they're still THERE, that you're not totally abandoned and alone in this world?  Is something better than nothing?  Is a rotten parent better than no parent, a back-stabbing friend better than complete isolation?  

See what i mean about crutches?  GET RID OF CRUTCHES AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND LEARN TO WALK, stoically, forward, with resolve and grace.

That is what fear does to you -- causes you to hold on to things you just don't need.  Things that might actually destroy you.  Bad environments, bad people, bad learned behaviors.   The fear of abandonment causes you to act like an alcoholic.  You know its not good for you.  You know you'll cave if you get near it.  SO STAY OUT OF BARS!  Stay away from the environments that are unhealthy.  Stop using COPING as a cop-out.  

So i weaned myself away from things ... the buoys (and yes, i used boys as buoys, too -- i looked for protection in promiscuity just as i used escape as my perpetual excuse).  The longer i stay away from something that hurts me, the stronger i get.  The longer i kick my dependencies on recognition, needing to feel special, wanting to please the world, hoping that everyone loves me, the better things get.  The less needy i feel.  

The less needy i feel, the better i am able to swim with sharks and find safety in my own buoyancy.

live to work or work to live ??

i'm fond of saying that the difference between America and Europe is exactly this:

In America, we live to work ...

And in Europe, they work to live.

i want to LIVE.  i also like those concepts like siestas and meals being a celebration of life and the entire month of August being CHIUSO.

For some reason, today, i thought of my father's last few weeks of life.  i had taken about a week off, possibly 10 days, and i flew to see him.  i remember someone asking me, "Are you sure you can take off that much time from work?".

i contemplated this question this morning as i was getting ready for work. 

My answer at the time, i don't remember, but if i answered it today i would likely have replied, "what does it matter -- do i care?".  If those are the last days you are going to experience someone ALIVE, the last days you are going to spend with a person for the rest of your life -- forever -- indelibly -- is a job really anything that matters at that time?

Oh sure -- i know that a career is different than a job.  i know that a passion driven mission provides for a great work ethic but too, a misery for the subordinates who see it all as just a job.  i'm stuck in a job but the great thing about that is that i'm not invested -- i'm resentful about not having proper health care or any significant benefits, but i also have the luxury of flexibility -- of saying sorry; life comes first.  Life intervenes.  

Life is for the living.  What good is it after you're dead?  Work is what is needed in order to live but, for the LIFE of me (ha ha), i can't see how my entire living should be steeped in finding ways to dedicate myself to work.

Nothing lasts forever.  Don't let life pass you by.  Seize it.  Make every moment count.  These aren't just proverbial expressions, they are ways to live that require hard work to counter the forces that otherwise would drive life right into the ground.

delete

i'm deleting me!  

Wow that feels good.  No more pain.  It must be like cutting.  i am a masochist afterall.  i probably could use a good beating.  But, hey, why not beat myself up instead?  i'm good at that.   i don't really have any regrets in life except when it comes to opening up and ...................... 

... fill in the blank -- all will probably apply.   

Open up, reach out, lean on, admit to, nuzzle in ------ vulnerability.  Lately, for the past many weeks, i've been getting WAY too risky with my vulnerability.  i've been WAY too cavalier with who gets access and the fact that i haven't been locking up at night.

Using the delete key -- in life -- is a free-ing experience.  Now if only i could learn how to delete vulnerability from my system.  Or rather, the insecurity that sometimes tags along with it.  Vulnerability is actually attractive -- its only that nasty cousin that always screws things up.  That cousin and its miserable siblings -- self-doubt and self-loathing.  GOD, where are these kids' parents?  Confidence and Esteem apparently split.

Since when does NO feel like YES?

Master gave me a Total Power Exchange for Christmas.  

Its an all-in-one total power exchange, also known as TPE.  The old fashioned gizmo that never goes out of style.  A tool that dices and splices the complexities of life to create ease and simplicity.  Master says "no" so i don't have to.  To that, i scream, YES!!!!!!!!

Its been present all along, but this year for Christmas, you could say that Master sort of renewed it.  i hadn't really ever contemplated it much until Master recently allowed me a "getting off the hook" sort of gift.

i'm not sure where to start, but ................ here we go.

Part 1:  Lately i've been less slave2bholed-ish and more ....... um ... depressing?  Everything started getting to me -- i was overwhelmed.  i was feeling out of control, hence, i lashed out.  i was combative.  i was repeating myself.  i had too much on my plate and i was looking for recognition and compliance and for everyone to be like me, and when i didn't get it, i got mean.  My tone was loaded with innuendo and disdain -- the very thing i detest -- i was turning into my father (God help us all!!!!!!!!!!!).

Part 2:  Add to that, i'm not the kind of girl who says "no".  i take it all on and want to please -- that would explain the teen promiscuity, too.  i guess that for all the times i was told i was "no good", i was going to make sure i was seen as good by being agreeable, cooperative, to the point of sleeping with even men i didn't like because i felt i had to -- i felt it was my job.  My responsibility.  My proof, as if to say, "ya see? i'm a good girl -- i'm a good girl!".  

And well, i didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings either.  "i'm a nice person -- a nice person!  i'm not the bad person you say i am!  i'm nice!"  Yeah and surely someone's own personal misery was my fault, too, so, i'll be the one to make EVERYONE happy and then i'll get to go to Heaven!

Point is, i was doing more than i was capable of doing and beating myself up via bashing everyone else who was not up to snuff and efficient like me ...... like me, LIKE ME, key problem:  "like me".  i was the little engine who could COULD but not without blowing steam AT all the engines who not only couldn't but seemed like they wouldn't.  i was convinced that everyone was intent on tripping me up or on shirking and jerking -- not doing their part and screwing me over.

Wow have i grown.  Master has grown me!  i see it now.  i see what happened.

i took a lot on, to the point that juggling had me drowning and getting resentful -- an artform turned sinking ship.  Rather than recognizing that i needed to say "no" to some things, i instead started punishing everyone who wasn't also juggling to the same extent as me.

It was making me a very ugly person.  And i must have felt that happening sub-consciously because i started feeling insecure.  That is what happens -- i become one of those people i don't like -- i start scapegoating and my own bitterness turns into thinking that i'm not appreciated which turns into hyper-defensiveness and then a persecution complex ........ and then THAT turns into my being needy and being needy is GROSS!  

Its actually disgusting.  And i see now too that when i don't like someone, it is because they are exemplifying the very things i detest in myself.  No one has more hatred than the person who self-loathes.  

Oh i know, i know -- Masters look for that in a girl.  The gross disgusting matter of insecurity.  

Masters look to exploit girls like that HOWEVER, this is why i LOVE real Masters.  Masters may look to manipulate the insecure for their own selfish gain, but regardless, the mission is motivated by and results in what is not selfish.  Ahh here again, for that exquisite irony.  The Master rescues the teetering lost little girl -- the Knight helping the damsel -- His intent is to SAVE her. 

The motivation, to be Hero.  The result, to be Savior.

Yes -- He is after feeling powerful but look at how!   His actions produce the GROWTH of the slave, the building of her confidence and self-esteem, and a RELEASE from all that burdens her.  He is credited for having turned her around.

She becomes a divine object -- the lowly slut displayed as fine art.  She is free-ed by the restraint and the restriction.  By giving up her decorum, by putting her dignity in His hands, she entrusts a lot to her Master but at the same time, she steps into a vast spectrum of privilege where all her yearnings are fed, prayers are answered, and dreams are fulfilled.  

~~~ + ~~~

If i could tell you the greatest thing about being a slave, it would be to say that i can use Master, too -- i can use Him as my defense, as my reason for doing what i otherwise cannot always do on my own.  

To say i love the gutter is one thing, to be reduced by another and "forced" is to let me be free in LOVING it.  Its one thing to do; its another to do without the hardship of guilt.  i'm absolved!  Master is my permission.

If i have to go up against a very strong and vile opponent, i can simply say, MASTER INSISTS i do this.  It is then out of my hands -- i don't have the responsibility anymore.  i'm free from blame or accusation.  Master is my excuse.  Hey, don't blame me; blame my Master!

Then there is the literal -- let's say its that i'm the logistical problem-solver -- let's say things consume me -- drive me crazy until i have figured out a complete and thorough solution.  Master says "stop".  "Stop thinking.  Stop figuring it out.  I will now figure it out for you."  i then don't have the burden of making "correct" decisions -- the exertion to figure out what might haunt me later should i make a bad choice.  

i am free of guilt and guilt-trippers.  i don't have to worry that i've hurt someone's feelings because Master will decipher all things and distinguish perception from reality.  He is the stamp of approval -- the assurance that i'm not doing anything wrong because if i am, He's going to correct it either through training me or defending me.  Master sets the stage so i don't have to.

Master told me that He was going to take some things away from me now.  He said He had to do something to change me again.  A person keeps evolving, things come up, monitoring it requires maintenance, too.  A change of diet to address environmental changes. 

The supervision is like sex -- its deep and intimate.  It feels like love to me.  When a child acts out, he is screaming for the tightening of a leash -- for the boundaries -- for any kind of discipline that will keep him feeling contained -- a routine, a structure, anything!  Even tidy piles of paper and lists serve as a cage.  Parenting the child is best to keep from feeling out of control and that too, is TPE.  It is emotional intercourse -- a Yang for the yin.  A hard dick to fill a hungry hole.

Give up your power and I will use mine on your behalf.

At first i thought, oh no -- i've failed!  He is taking away certain responsibilities that He previously gave to me.  i interpreted it to mean that He was taking away rewards that i had earned.  

i processed it.  Let it sink in.  Realized that no -- my God, no!  He was, in fact, rewarding me again.  He SAW THROUGH what was ailing me -- went below the surface and the acting out to find the root and cause of my predicament. 

He sought to remove or lighten the load i'm carrying.  Here i want to please Him -- jump higher than the highest hoop -- if He orders a cake, i build a bakery.  But right now, life has presented more than i can handle.  He essentially said, here -- you give to Me -- you give up this power you have in this particular realm and hand it over to Me -- I will carry it for you.  

i give up my power so that i can have His power in return.  i surrender to Him so that He can take care of me.  i obey because its so easy that way.

i substitute my own power and control of things for His because His is stronger when my own is faltering.

2009 is going to be a great year.  Master took over certain things i just couldn't handle anymore.  i feel like a lady of luxury now.  He took away my ability to blame when that crazed lunacy of overload has attempted its abduction of the good me.  i'm vindicated!  i'm not the victim nor the villain anymore.  i feel like a child at Christmas again.  Like Master is the Santa who everyone dreams of but stops believing in once magic is replaced by adulthood.

~~~ + ~~~

Fashion by Viktor & Rolf.

little things feeling like BIG THINGS

i just deleted the content of this post.  i sure don't like having rants let alone read about them.

That kind of helplessness is nothing like the grand state of helplessness i know when i'm little but not undermined.  

Lots of little things mean something BIG or little things MADE BIG by virtue of accumulation alone.  Please let me know my good littleness again so that i stop being the big shot, the big know-it-all, the big trouble maker whose troubles are just relative (or relatives!).  Please may i stop blaming something, finding excuses, being defensive and taking it out on everyone who dares to step in front of this hair trigger ....... which is miserable even on a good hair day.

a blonde amidst a sea of brunettes

It did occur to me that that is entirely true. Its not just the statement about being a misfit. Everyone looks so similar! The brown bobs, the au naturale foundation, the Uggs. The big gaudy purses, French manicures. The Navigators. The screaming kids, the husbands on Wall Street, the picking up kids from school to let them know they're above riding the bus. No jobs that hinge on paying bills. Chatter that involves drapery specialists, nannies, in-laws, book-clubs, Telluride and Nantucket ...... interspersed with talk of kid-this, kid-that, kids, kids, and more kids, soccer, karate, pediatricians, detailed medical histories of ailing parents and nursing homes.

Eh. And still ......................

i do like people afterall. You wouldn't know it sometimes. What a loner!, you'd think -- you'd think it only after finding out that my social network is practically zip.

Am i unapproachable? Men approach me. i'm better with Men. More comfortable. That friend from art school did tell me that everyone thought me "unobtainable". That tickled me at the time -- took me totally by surprise. UNOBTAINABLE sounded like a compliment! And meanwhile, it was totally unintentional. i never planned it or rehearsed it.

i'm afraid to approach women who are in circles. i feel like an intruder. i remember that time at the pool when i basically got up the nerve to one day interrupt the twins from the swimteam -- the girls i idolized and watched like a practical stalker. i thought they were SO COOL. i aspired to be them! i got a swim cap just like theirs and put my name on it just like they did ........... (YES, with my OWN name thanks very much!). i named my dolls and Hot Wheels cars after them -- one of their cool in-with-them friends was Chrissy, the silver Barracuda who was good at fly.

i walked right up, respectfully all the same, and asked, "Could i be your friend?".

MORTIFICATION! What a strange thing to do! Needless to say, i didn't become their friend. i think they all just stared at me in silence.

So, today, here some how many years later, i got up the courage to return to my kickboxing class. And more so, the courage to TRY and socialize as if i were just another 'ole familiar pal.

i walked back to my car kicking myself (never mind kickboxing). i was thinking i sounded too opinionated, like a know-it-all -- i must have said SOMETHING and that sometimes amounts to too much. Not to them, but to me. Oh if only to be quiet!; oh if only to be readily accepted!

And then it occurred to me. Maybe i'm perceiving myself as no one else does. Hey, self, did it ever occur to you that you're just looking to reach out and connect?

i think i better get out my Toltec Wisdom book again. i'm alienating myself through this paranoia and hyper-critical, overly-analytical view of myself. i ought to stop seeing myself as the black sheep all the time. Afterall, i'm a little piggy, a filthy dirty gutter crawling utilitarian sex sow, remember?

~~~ + ~~~

Photograph: Western Folk Life.

RN to the Rescue

i'm sure you've all heard the recent quote from Salma Hayek about how she is addicted to breast-feeding.

And i'm sure you've all heard a-plenty about my CRAZED SICK FETISH for BIG HUGE TITS and my insane desire to suckle from them, not just play and maul and torture them, but NURSE from them. i mean, GOD, i just love all that jiggley FLESH.

And too, i love the reduction in getting lost in it.

Okay ----------------- well.

i'm here when her baby gets to be too old.

Can you blame me?

~~~ + ~~~

Photograph of Salma Hayek from the recent CNN Heroes Award Show (in blue dress) .................. and array of other shots i LOVE (sorry -- can't give photo credits since i'm too busy slobbering).

my life story

Hello, hello, hello
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?

What can i say? Its my life story. i'm SCREAMING at deaf walls ........ and SOS! Sometimes the walls seem to be screaming at me! Silence is deafening. And i'm itchy. Numbness is just an antidote to ease the discomfort.

~~~ + ~~~
Photographer unknown.
Lyrics: "Comfortably Numb", by Pink Floyd.

SIDENOTE: i know i've posted this shot before, but in this instance, can anyone really say they'll mind my being redundant? Who is ever going to mind, say, a repetitive parade of naked women and PROJECTION and who is ever going to mind Pink Floyd?

Botox versus Bangs

i think i can understand Kim Kardashian's blog post whereby she posted a picture of herself as a teen in a bikini, all to assuage viewers and prove that indeed her big boobs are natural.

i understand why Kardashian did this because, hey, if its natural, don't tell me its fake, and if its fake, so what, just admit it.

i used to think that if i ever had a boob job, i wouldn't want anyone to know. i'd want everyone to think it all natural. But with age, one gets wiser (we hope) and so, who cares! i had a boob job! HURRAH! One of the best things i ever did. (Master, a million thank You.s and eternal ones at that! And, PS: when can we go even bigger?)

So, i'm with this new dilemma. Should i go for bangs? i used to have bangs. i'm thinking of long bangs -- something really sexy (think: Charlie's Angels a la 2008). Master liked the picture i showed Him and He agreed -- very sultry. Perfect for my face. BUT, there is one reason i'm hesitant. i don't want anyone to think i opted for bangs rather than Botox!

If i needed Botox, okay, so what. But like Kardashian, i'm not going to have people tell fibs. i'm a justice seeking girl. If i'm not trying to hide something with bangs, i don't want any presumptions floating around UNLESS they have merit.

Okay -- so, i hope i've done a ... er ... bang-up job on explaining why i'm holding off on bangs for now. Again, that being, because once i get them, i may have to then keep them. i guess you could say that i'd like to have this hairstyle now for as long as possible and then go out with a bang when its time to start a new chapter so that subsequent chapters still mean reveling in a youthful outlook (i said outlook, not look).

i don't care what age we are, fresh and fit is ....... um ... bangin' HOT! Ellen Barkin is HOT, Sophia Loren is HOT, and i'm not talking THEN, i'm talking NOW. Evolution makes the world go 'round ... just don't let gravity bring you down. Move with the times, change as needed, reinvent but not to the extent of compromising who you are. Go for fluid; avoid static.

You do know too, of course, that you can mark a woman's life (or time-lines in general) by her hairstyles. The proverbial big hair (feeling racy), the drastic colour change (usually red and usually due to seeing red), the asymmetrical chic (feeling arty) or radical Sinead experiment (feeling angry) ... the extensions, the bleach, the highlights, the lowlights -- the successes, the losses. ALL things are illustrated in a do.

But bangs never go out of style. They are for both the young girls and the young-at-heart girls.

~~~ + ~~~
Blonde Bangs -- Photographer unknown.

fade to black

i was thinking that maybe i ought to announce a respite. A sort of sabbatical.

Then i thought that that is a really self-absorbed thing -- as in, like, who cares? Its a blog not a presidency. i'm not stepping down. i'm just exiting fast with a quick step into bed.

Besides, why any fanfare? Lauren Hill left us wanting more. So too did DeAngelo. i've got to remember this. Go out on a bang. Like Seinfeld.

Time for rest, people. Jugglers get jumbled. i'm sorry if my blog has been less than perky. Well, okay, not this one -- everyone knows this one is the dark sided one. (i'm multi-faceted but a misery with multi-tasking.) But i feel badly that even my lighter blog, Sweet.Sinful.Bliss, has been tainted by gloom.

i really am sorry. i don't like being seen or remembered that way. That's why the notion of being remembered as a good lay has always been a fancy of mine. Hopefully, you'll think of my sex appeal more than my depth. Then again, hopefully, you really will see my depth.

something romantic

Master sends me Thoughts of the Day each week day. He came up with the idea because, as He explained it, He wanted me to feel connected to Him on those days during the week when we tend to be apart. Today's had me DELIRIOUS!

"People who make you happy should be kept on a chain."

That got me all weepy.

God, leave it to my Master to have me crying tears of joy and sentimentality, along with tears of pain ... which is just another word for release.

~~~ + ~~~
Photograph of yours truly ... 2008.

resignation

Resignation usually feels like giving up. Defeat. i guess i always have to win. But sometimes winning is in knowing WHEN to retreat. Its like that favorite adage of mine: "don't cut off your nose to spite your face".
.
Knowing when enough is enough is key. Winning the war is more important than winning a battle. There comes a time when you have to ask, am i not now hurting MYSELF in these attempts at overcoming some other hurt?
.
Take futility, for instance -- doesn't your head end up getting bloody from the ordeal? Best to give up because actually, you're not giving up, you're being smart and saving your head and sparing the brick wall!
.
Okay, so i'm impulse-driven. There in a vast no-man's land. Both combine to then elevate to a red anxiety-ridden high alert.
.
Give an instruction, have it not carried out, GET RILED. Send out a query. Send out another query. And yet another. After awhile, follow-ups start to feel really humiliating. It would be so much nicer if someone just said, "I have no intention of following through" or "I'm too busy" or "I really don't care and I'm not interested in any of your cockamamie crud".
.
It starts off as rude ... then rapid fire rude. The repetition segues to personal insult. Then it fires off a real bomb, disrespect!, and that is my Achilles heel. It makes me rabid.
.
Why not just be DIRECT? Peace talks, ya know? Tell me i'm bad, horrid, grating on your nerves, tell me something! Let's negotiate.
.
Its like art school -- the critiques -- a bad response is better than no response. The not knowing just kills me. Give me an answer, a diagnosis -- SOMETHING! Something so that i'm not in the dark letting my mind fabricate all kinds of machinations (talk about cockamamie crud).
.
Why can't we all just hold hands and be nice to one another and not hide or plot covertly or dilly-dally while the others are at the front line or squirm out of expectations? Better yet, why can't i stop HAVING expectations? That would solve everything! If only i could wave the white flag at myself!

~~~ + ~~~
Art by Se.Jin Park. Korea.

i thought it might be a good idea to post something funny to make up for when i'm sounding bitter ...

That's not bitter, is it?
(Ha ha ha, okay,
but at least i'm funny, right?)

the jig is up

What do you do when your religion has become a commodity or your private life has become public?

.

And do you ever blame celebrities when they themselves invited the media frenzy what with having such a great image to promote, a great life to exploit?

.

Do you blame me if i reap what i sow?

What do you do when everything you hold Sacred has suddenly disintegrated into the perpetuation of a business, when what you say is less about meaning and more about sales? When you're made to feel negative or stupid for not being completely on board ... or for being on board to a fault while the rest have fallen the wayside -- what then? i mean, do you smear their faces in it or wipe them clean -- lay on the guilt or forgive them and keep them whole?

.

When you're bored to tears with talk for talk sake, no concrete foundation in which to sink your stilettos, do you crawl to them or slink away?

And that brings me to add that all this webcam relating, the IM-ing, the email courtships, the Q & A that was once so titillating, is now just basically a waste of time and i don't have time to waste. i want to propagate! Sow NEW seed. i want people to think me exhilarating and fresh and with vitality because i not only exude it, but i BELIEVE in it, too.

i want to do taboo things again.

And that means .............

i want business to be about business.

i want passion to be about passion.

And if the twain shall meet, that they don't compromise each other.

.

And too, i want pep talks to go in the garbage along with procrastination and delays and communications never received.

.

And sure, i want recognition when i'm not one of the pack. When i'm hauling some load, i don't want a hand, i just want the high-five rather than a dismissal, or worse, a blind eye.

What do you do when you're talking and no one is really listening to the point of ABSORBING? Do you keep talking in circles, or retreat, or decide that maybe you're in the wrong element afterall?

When connection is lopsided, its a static disconnect. i go dead. Even numb might be better.

Suddenly reading a good book is taboo. i'm going to go read a good book.

.

Suddenly retreating from the erotic feels wildly exotic. Routine is enticing me as if its some radical rebellion. Vanilla has never looked so Tahitian before.

~~~ + ~~~

Photograph of Kim Kardashian with something big in her mouth. : )

Photographer unknown.

DOUBLE-TAKE

Today i received an email in which the sender, a friend, wrote something for which, on one hand, i completely agreed, but on another, the tone creeped me out.


No other way to put it -- it creeped me out. (Hey, i'm not writing literature here.)

i know its been said somewhere and i can't remember where or by whom but the thing we condemn in others is something that we actually hate about ourselves.

Its like i see some jaws opening wide and engulfing me and its UGLY. i fight it because it is the very thing i dislike and don't want to become but obviously, based on whatever philosophy or psychology i have read, i am basically fighting myself when i crucify someone else for their errs.

i read the email from a friend -- the one with a sentiment to which i subscribe but a delivery i abhor, and i thought, WHY is this bugging me? What adjective am i looking for? Well, i found it, along with the Thesaurus. PLEASE, please, please -- please don't let me be pious, self-serving, self-important, self-righteous -- please don't ever let me have something to say about everything! Please don't let me be a tight-wad who talks constantly of every penny spent so that i can garner the sympathy for a self-pity party and please don't let me have an opinion on EVERYTHING to the point i believe myself to be accuser, judge, and jury.

When i am riled to the point of being inconsolable, i now see that it is ME -- it is me i am condemning, not them. It is my pointed finger in the mirror.

"I want YOU." i want ME to change and be "ALL THAT YOU CAN BE" -- i will forever want to be better. (Now THAT sounds self-serving -- God, will it never end?)

Selflessness is always about selfishness because doing a selfless deed is always about satisfying or appeasing a need and a need is always for the self. But this other thing -- it goes beyond. To be self-serving is a step further. It is like the CALCULATION -- it is when selfishness goes to an extreme -- when a natural occurrence gets knowingly exploited or a biology gets consciously boosted by a growth hormone. Its inflated. Deliberate EVEN when SEEMINGLY unknowingly produced. Its when selfishness gets synthetically altered and there is some in between place, between intent and innocence, where it gets caught up and twisted and somehow it always comes off as self-pity.

We're all guilty of selfishness -- even Mother Theresa was selfish -- she did what she did to DO a good thing. She was furthering her need and desire to be a good person. But when selfish takes that next step, it is vile and i'm worried. i've got that addictive personality and i tend to go to extremes ..................... see why i'm anxious?!! See why i'm quick on the draw, tenacious in sorting motives and actions into tidy neat piles?

i have need. i have desire. Give them both too much credence and you have the innocent perpetually pulling the trigger at intent.

Take a STANCE .............. TODAY!!

Get out and VOTE!

~~~ + ~~~
Photo: Courtesy of the ORIGINAL maverick, Annie Sprinkle. (Thank you, Annie.)
http://www.anniesprinkle.org/

Less and less is MORE and MORE

i said it before -- of course, it was SAID before (credit: the one and only,
Mies van der Rohe,
need i say ... er ... MORE?) ...

and i'm here to say it again yet more emphatically (as if the statement in its simplicity isn't powerful enough?).

Less is more, but, please allow me to elaborate in yet another direction, for less and less is feeling like more.

Less and less affects me.

Lesser is honing in on

laissez faire.

i'm caring less and therefore minimalism is finally taking hold! i'm allowing disappointment and disillusionment to turn first to indifference and then to the appreciation of LESS as MORE.

And that's a good thing! Less IS more. Just remember it when you're looking for more. When the seat beside you is empty, just remember to enjoy the design if not for the company it ought to contain.

Just remember that there is something magnificent and beautiful in simplicity ... in the here and now in WHATEVER it may be. Just remember that bare roots, foundation, core truths and no flourishments -- THAT is ................... making me bask in the essentials of less of that give me more, more, MORE. Give me more 'less' so that i can be less ostentatious, less material, less demanding.

More clean lines. More simple pleasures. Less chaos. Less need. More desire for the stripped down expectation. More development of a less embellished aesthetic. A less encumbered self. That's what i'm after. Less affectation. More internalization. Less distraction. More appreciation. You see? Less IS more -- you can't have less without creating something of the more -- the more being the complement, the counterpoint, the less being contingent upon the more to fill it.

Less can't be anything BUT more. Either i'm going to relish in it in its own right, or i'm going to force it into something its not.

~~~ + ~~~
Barcelona Chairs: Mies van der Rohe

Its KIND OF LIKE baseball ... but not really ...

First off, its not a game. Second of all, only two strikes are allowed, not three.

i'm reminded of this because way back, with a former Master, he used to say that thing about first time, a mistake; second time, a fool. (How does that go again?)

i've taken and accepted strikes in numbers you can't even count. i've forgiven (endlessly), i've let time heal wounds to the point that Master has even asked, "wait a minute -- didn't that person completely betray you? WHY take them back?" ... and i've given the benefit of the doubt coupled with giving second chances EXPONENTIALLY so that i am truly the biggest fool around.

i'm not mad at the manipulators, i'm mad at myself for having been so stupid!

Through the years, the numbers have dwindled and now finally, i might even be able to say i'm MASTERING my world. i have less tolerance because being bulled over brings out my horns. And sure, i'll be accused of being the bull when meanwhile i'm simply cleaning the house of intruders and thieves.

If a Master can use this process with slaves, why can't a person use it in order to tidy up and eradicate ... and keep the self's world free of clutter, devoid of GARBAGE and immersed in health, good will, and true-blue skies and souls?

If Master PERPETUALLY gave me second chances when the lesson was learned already, everything would be relegated to, forget games!, try a complete JOKE!

Say what you mean and mean what you say ... and then DO it. Don't dance around it, skirt around it, use all sorts of tippy-toe choreography to NOT do what you have promised to do. The weaselly negotiation, the excuses, the explaining it away and the circular logic and the sun got in my eyes -- a defiant straight-out objection would be so much more honorable!

Passive-aggressiveness IS topping-from-the-bottom IS manipulation IS a matter of taking advantage and duping and conning. Its all a lie. Those are all just fancy terms for the one single concept: lying ... fabricating ... being dishonest. Betrayal is just the outcome -- that is just the closure on the concept and the wake-up call when you've been busy buying all the fancy round-about gimmickry.

Its not a game, its a war! The enemy must be removed if you are to ever know peace and the enemy is not THEM, its me -- its that i detest that fool, that believer who was gullible or so impressionable to have fallen victim AGAIN. Maybe if it weren't a matter of "again", i wouldn't be with such a volatile conviction.

i'm into clean living. No more wounds to the heart, no more ego-bruises.
One strike, okay. Two, you're out.
Permanently.

~~~ + ~~~
Art by (the amazing) Trevor Brown.
You can see more of Trevor Brown's work at my Dungeon-Love gallery.

NyQuil Soliloquy

"Forgive me, Father, for i have sinned ... it has been ............ AN ETERNITY since my last confession ............ " -- well, not really if you count my blog.

Okay, so admission, like submission, is freeing. Cleansing. Sanctifying. All that. And here i am again to admit to lowliness, all so i can feel resurrected or empowered and heightened and like my load is lightened.

Its not a good thing though -- i'm seeing that. Jennifer Aniston is reported as having told John Mayer (who i think is totally beneath her) that she likes her relationships kept private while he, apparently, is a big blabber mouth AND with a blog no less. (Men with blogs? i think that's the problem more than the blabbing.)

i have to agree -- i WISH i kept everything private.

i'm without any blabber, only blather and drivel and oh so goes the catharsis of venting and purging and spilling your guts.

This musing might have to do with the NyQuil i took last night. Today i'm still in a fog. Motivation has gone AWOL and mindless musing has taken its place. i'm absent and just my body is roaming around aimless. Inspiration has always been my instigator and i've courted the thrill while simultaneously dating new escapes, but now please help me to repent about all the REPENTING! Please let me pipe down and say less ......... because less is more.

~~~ + ~~~
Painting: ROTHKO.

Foie Gras (and ignorance as bliss)

So far i have TWICE now eaten WAY TOO MUCH foie gras in one sitting and well, there are of course those who would tell me NEVER MIND about too much, i shouldn't be eating it at all!

Its actually healthy to have a vice or two. That's what my shrink told me. AND so, i'm a glutton for feasting and imbibing and i also have a nice little tag-on for the vices-are-okay thing -- IGNORANCE IS BLISS.

(Read: PLEASE do not post comments telling me why i shouldn't eat foie gras! i don't want to know!)

So, is ignorance the same thing as apathy?

i'm pretty worried about this election ... i'm told that the majority of Florida is in favor of the Republican duo. Is that ignorance or just plain stupidity? Here is one time when i wish apathy took over rather than dim-wittedness.

i know its not a good idea to TOO strongly advertise your persuasions in politics -- for instance, you won't see me putting a sign on my front lawn (imagine Mischief night coming up!) -- i like to keep to myself -- BUT, when it comes to the blaring or the BLATANT, i can't condone points of view that support greed and self-centeredness. i HAVE to respond!

In my (singular but thinking it grand and widely comprehensive) view, its as simple as this:

Democrats are for "THE PEOPLE" -- i.e., tax breaks for people who NEED tax breaks. Solutions designed to bring people UP and sure, the people up on top already can AFFORD to help the little people. Good God, don't you all realize that if i had my druthers, i'd come back in my next life as a philanthropist?! Why, if you have the means, WOULDN'T you want to help those not as fortunate?

Republicans are for INDIVIDUAL (not communal) PROSPERITY -- the ME ideology -- TAX BREAKS for the RICH (NOT THE POOR) -- capitalism and NOTHING ELSE. Help the rich get richer. Screw the failing infrastructure and creating jobs -- give tax breaks to anyone who buys a 2nd home. (First home? You mean, you don't OWN a home at all? Oh well.)

Obama talks about policies, issues, what he will DO.

McCain and Palin talk about .................. strike "talk". McCain and Palin BASH their opponent rather than supporting or justifying any supposed platform they have. This Joe Plumber thing is getting old. And the soundbytes that apparently have even seduced smart people are SUPERFICIAL -- its all surface babble -- propaganda designed to rally you to scorn someone else. No one ever said they want to rob Joe Plumber of his money and spread it around -- and yet, that's about the only thing i can remember from the schpeel.

i guess i forgot to mention DISTORTION. Mis-representation, mis-quoting, and REPEATED matters of taking things out of context. i completely respect McCain and the genuine bravery and courage in what he faced previously and in what he has endured and accomplished -- BUT that doesn't mean he has MEAT for this country. Its just fattened up .............. duck guts or something or other.

i want CONCRETE things. TANGIBLE things. Not rhetoric!

Its like BDSM -- i want authenticity, not games and facades as perpetuated behind a computer screen.

i have to end this blog and quick go bury my head in the sand (anywhere but Florida unless they change their thinking down there!). Maybe apathy rules afterall. Maybe then i wouldn't get such indigestion, never mind the OD-ing on foie gras.

Its all about ..................... ME.

Lots of times, i come across a personal ad or a profile that says, "if you want to know about me, read my blog". Or -- get this one -- "BEFORE contacting me, read my blog to FIND OUT about me (and who i am and how great i am)."

Sure. Okay. Hey! i can't even get Master to read His own slave's blog frequently enough!

Are you kidding? When was the last time you went on a blind date and you happened to bring along a copy of your autobiography ... or rather, expected the guy to have read the whole thing BEFORE meeting for a coffee?

Yeah, well, it puts things in perspective. We all think these blogs are really the end-all self-expression -- some kind of art -- and worse, we think its profound. We think its DOCTRINE and that everyone ought to congratulate us on our keen observations, our bravery and courage in letting ugly hang out all over the place so that we can feel pretty for being so honest.

And then, don't forget about those COOL popular people you get to list as fellow bloggers.

When i read how someone actually THINKS that their blog is some prerequisite to acted-upon interest, it reminds me of some strange dichotomy ... its usually submissives and the needing-to-be-known and needing-to-be-accepted folk who are so demanding and pushy about their desire for attention, and so TICKED OFF peeved if you didn't happen to comply.

Dang. i'm one of them! But then, don't you know that by now? Didn't you read my blog?

~~~ + ~~~
Cartoon by Piero Tonin.

SPARE me!

Okay, so thankfully, i had the spare tire when i got a flat. But then when driving around with the spare and the flat in the trunk, i didn't have another spare, so that made for a predicament SHOULD i hit another pot-hole. i've had five flat tires in the past 1 1/2 years. The roads are going to pot what with all the potholes!

You can't fix these tires -- the walls are damaged. New tire. New tires. Cha-ching, cha-ching. INFRASTRUCTURE! i'm telling you, if they'd fix these darn roads, i'd have less new tires and maybe some BLING to off-set the cha-CHING.

Obama gave three of his top priorities to the public today.

One was about rebuilding the infrastructure and of course that creates jobs. A boost to economy.

McCain has a boost to the economy salvaging plan, too. Of his top three priorities, he listed giving tax breaks to people who buy second homes. Not homes, but 2nd homes, vacation homes, extra homes that might not even be able to be counted.

Cha-ching.

SPARE me, huh? But what does he know? He's not FLAT broke.

Thing 1, Thing 2

Yeah, i'm Thing 1
Looking for Thing 2
Oh don't you know already, you'll be #1, too?

Too many hang-ups
Too many fears
They think they have to LIVE in those tears
FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES

Don't they ever get over THINGS?

They all think that protection has to mean NOTHING AT ALL
That something is everything and that its all about living behind a screen, a techno gadget, a wall

Its vicarious living, precarious fibbing -- its not REAL

Its not about RELATIONSHIPS
Its about distance
Lack of commitment
Insularity
Pretend
Make-believe
Mannequins, stand-ins, characters, being something you're not

Its about Cops & Robbers
Cowboys & Indians (i mean, Native Americans)
Yeah, and isn't that it -- the deranged ones who insult us with their flab and their penis shots or the pious ones with their political and self-righteous correctness?

i want the FLESH, the pounding heart, the taste
The real sensory experience, not the cyber protocol as dictated by the High Priests of Pity

i don't need moderators
Dungeon-keepers
Popularity clubs and approval stamp makers

i want to disenfranchise from the disenfranchised
Defect from the crowd that has now become the crowd i escaped

i want the IMPERFECTION
The flaws and all
The VULNERABILITY
The heart-to-heart admitting that allows me to then hold your hand

But so long as computers substitute for people
i'm a thing living in a thing not with a thing.

~~~ + ~~~
Illustration from "Cat in the Hat", Dr. Seuss.

Independent Thinking

Tonight was the final presidential debate.

i'm a registered Independent. (Surprise, surprise, dad -- so there!)

my dad called me a radical. A liberal. A dumb-dumb. A few other things, too, but i think voting for a person rather than a party is not such a dumb-dumb thing to do ... unless you vote for a Republican which means selfishness and individual or special interest (like college kids yeah right) and big business and deregulation ... but then, what do i know? i'm a dumb-dumb so never mind.

Actually, that was during my 20s and my flunking political science days.

i try to be neutral, objective, even-keel and balanced. i try to entertain all points of view. i try to be rational even when i disagree.

(i said, i TRY.)

i try to keep my mouth shut. i try to be what Obama is -- passionate without getting nasty or visceral about it.

And that therein is good enough reason (as if there aren't already enough) to vote for OBAMA!

Hey, even McCain said Obama is eloquent -- two times in fact. Funny those back-handed compliments -- hysterical! And overused and obvious and really lame. Meanwhile, Obama has the composure i LONG for, the integrity that can't be rehearsed, AND THE POLICY AND POSITION WHICH IS WHAT THE CAMPAIGN IS ABOUT ... isn't it?

McCain used that term that i REALLY despise: "pro-abortion". i sure hope that people realize that those soundbytes are intended for a fringe group's radical ears -- its by design -- he was corrected and STILL defied the correction by using the term again, thus giving fanatics carte blanche to run for it and create terror.

As Obama said, there are good people on both sides. No one is actually "FOR" abortion. Good God, please tell me that i don't have to explain this to anyone! i pray that we're not all dumb-dumbs because hey, ask my father, one is more than enough.

Obama reminds me of JFK. Obama said that we can disagree, but let's not be disagreeable. Hey, even if Obama had NO platform of his own or a quasi-platform like McCain's (which includes the belief that if you haven't visited a country, you can't have studied it) or no charisma at all or were to say very little, well .............. sometimes a cartoon can sum up politics best.

But then, cartoons are for dumb-dumbs ... supposedly.

Twisty-Turny

"Oh dear Sir, forgive this humble (perfect patronizing pandering) slave but she just wanted to tell You (and narc on Your slave) that Your slave was SO MEAN to poor little me and i have learned dignity and grace, and how to take the high road (while your slave grovels in the ... um ... TRUTH?) and it has been a real challenge to have to endure the HORRIBLE HORRID MEAN HORRIBLE (did i say horrible?) meanness Your mean slave inflicted upon me. But i used my dignity and grace because i'm so (much a better person than Your slave) honored to have Your attention in communicating with me even though Your slave was so mean to me ... and by the way, i had to endure that same exact meanness and more from other mean slaves, too! (i'm so nice and everyone is so darn mean to me! Have pity on me, please!!) Love beams and zingers and big smoochy-woochy kisses and darnit this font is just not frilly enough to make me look innocent enough!)"

You have GOT to be kidding me? Would anyone really think that a Master would buy that hogwash as genuine rather than as over-the-top divisive and ... um ... putridly pious?

Couldn't she have just said, "Oh Sir, can i run for President?". That at least would have had finesse. i mean, if you're going to get all hopped up about "dignity and grace", at least have some in the form of speaking straight rather than in twisty-turny flourishes that are all about fuss without the muss.

Give me the muss! Give me hardcore truths, not fanfare. Hurt me but don't betray me. Give me bad news and sure, sugar coat it, but don't disguise it as sweets for i'll know the difference every time. Don't pretend with me! Let me know the real thing ... or else hide it from me altogether. Look me in the eyes or else blindfold me. Give me a budget, dammit, a budget! Reality! A plan! A position! Not a dissertation in blame or a polite slam of another as an effort to look better.

The worse you make the others look, the more i like them, the less i like you.

i may have curves and love them on others, but just don't do those twisty-turny things -- don't twist truths or turn corners abruptly while insisting you're not, for then its sure to be a straight path to the very straight door which closes quite squarely, most rigidly, and always on the slithery ones.

~~~ + ~~~
Illustration: JOHN WILLIE.

something substantial

i don't have anything of substance to say.

BUT, i have something of substance on my mind!

Then again, substance is a non-issue because if you have something substantial in your mouth (which means it is definitely substantially on your mind!), you need not worry about anything substantial to say!

Comments / Feedback / Replies -- Encouraged & Appreciated!!

i guess i shouldn't feel so badly about the (sick, obsessive, overkill) amount of stuff i put out there and the lack of stuff i get back. This guy must send out lots of messages without getting too many replies either. Hey, just call me Olive! Maybe i should write him back and commiserate? Its probably the least i could do given that he had the courtesy to write to me in two different languages AND the sure-fire arrow to pop my soft-spot (the love word in any derivative) and well, we are in an economic slump ..................

To: slave2bholed
From: Olive
Subject: kindly reply me

BELOVED,

THIS IS OLIVE JOMADE FROM LIBERIA BASE IN ABIDJAN FOR THE MOMENT CONSIGNING MY LATE FATHER CONSIGNMENT WHICH HE DEPOSITED WITH A BANK HERE BEFORE HIS DEALTH TOOK PLACE ON THE 24TH DAY OF MARCH YEAR 2007 AFTER A BRIEF ILLNESS.

I WANT YOU TO PROVIDE ME A FOREIGN BANK ACCOUNT WHERE THIS FUND

AMOUNT $10.5m AMERICA DOLLARS CAN BE TRANSFER.

AND I WILL ALSO LIKE YOU TO HELP IN CONTACTING THE BANK FOR THE TRANSFER OF THIS FUND INTO YOUR ACOUNT.

I WANT YOU TO SERVE AS THE GAURDIAN OF THIS FUND.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO FIGHT MY COMING IMMEDIATELY YOU COMFIRM THIS FUND IN YOUR ACCOUNT.

BELOVED,YOU WILL BE REWARD GREATLY OVER THIS HELP REQUEST OF MINE.

THANKS,

FROM YOUR LOVED ONE,

OLIVE. . .

BELOVED,

Il s'agit d'olive en provenance du Libéria JOMADE base à Abidjan pour l'instant l'envoi de mon défunt père lot, il a déposé auprès d'une banque ici avant son DEALTH a eu lieu le 24 mars jour de l'année 2007, après une brève maladie.

Je veux que vous me fournir un compte bancaire étranger où le fonds

Montant $ 10.5m AMÉRIQUE PEUT ETRE DE DOLLARS DE TRANSFERT.

Et je vais aussi comme vous aider à entrer en contact avec la banque pour le transfert de ce fonds dans votre compte.

Je tiens à vous servir de GAURDIAN de ce fonds.

Je voudrais que vous pour lutter contre ma venue immédiatement vous COMFIRM ce fonds dans votre compte.

Bien-aimé, vous serez récompense grandement aider au cours de cette demande de mine.

MERCI DE VOTRE LOVR,

OLIVE.

art imitates life imitates art imitates life imitates ............

Last night i had a debate with a colleague over the subject of reality shows. Sure, dialogue and interaction can be spontaneous, but scenarios are scripted. SCRIPTED AND PRODUCED!

Why am i getting so wound up over this? Why so perturbed? Last night, i was percolating.

Does anyone really think you just place half a dozen people in a box, shake and bake? Baking requires a recipe. A plan. AND a back-up plan.

Art imitates life and per Oscar Wilde, LIFE IMITATES ART. You have to CREATE life if you want it to be art -- if you want it to be worth LIVING, seeing and holding your attention -- you have to capture what it is you want or hope to convey.

Reality is sometimes a surreal blur and surrealism is steeped in reality. But, nothing artful happens without intervention! Even Pavlov directed things in order to learn things! When it comes to voyeurism and observation, even natural happenstance is orchestrated.

~~~ + ~~~
Movie still from "8 1/2" by Federico Fellini.

it landed in my lap ... and i in His

Surely you know that expression that something lands right in your lap when you least expect it. It usually hits when you are SO READY for it that ripe has turned rotten already.

Today i felt promise again. While others have waned, lost interest, lost loyalty, left me behind or vice-versa, i perked up when i decided to let go of what isn't working and focus instead on new possibility. i mean, really -- how long can you bash your head into a wall, how long can you beg people to pay attention to you before your fool-hardiness turns embarrassing?

i'm not really ashamed of how often i make a fool of myself. It always lands me at the bottom and from there i'm always grown again. And better. Wiser, wearier, hardened and softened anew because bitter tastes REALLY bad and i'm dying to taste sweet forever. It just takes newness -- new resolve or maybe new ideas -- new people in your life -- new hope, new horizons. i say more than i should say, then i clam up, then i vow to not repeat history ... and i do anyway. But when something novel is near, i'm ready to completely abandon the baggage of "same 'ole, same 'ole". i can abandon as easily as i am afraid of it.

Its by rote that we can succumb to what is old hat or regurgitated -- some filthy stagnation -- i'm only to blame when i allow it to consume me -- i'm the only one at fault when i start seeing fault in others. SO, joy to the world! i'm ripe again having thrown decay off of me like a bad psycho stalker, some nemesis or pestering irritation. i shook it off and good things have again landed in my lap. i'm not looking back, only inward and downward and up.

i'm in Master's lap and the world is in mine.

The Architect & The Builder

i'm the support person, the slave to the Master, the producer for the director. i'm nowhere if not with someone to serve.

It occurred to me again this weekend -- i may be creative, but my need for purpose is possibly greater.

Every now and then, when my partner at work is frustrated about business, he'll suggest that i start doing something to help generate new business, to cook up, scheme, and concoct some new plan. i continue to remind him that i'm not a salesperson. i'm not a marketing person. i'm a back office production person -- i MAKE things happen but only after i'm given the seed to grow. Then, not to worry-- plant a seed and i'll grow not just a tree, but a forest. (i just need a little collaboration on the choices of trees, but then that is why i'm good at delegating, too.)

i can make anything happen. There is never a never in my vocabulary. But i need a leader to follow. A lover to love. i'm a slave in all realms no matter how i'm perceived. But that of course is natural -- slaves get mixed up for other demeanors all the time -- either they're assertive and considered aggressive or they're meek and mislabeled as weak.

i'm the slave in Hegel's Master/slave theory. i'm part of that ironic equation. i am nothing without Master but i make myself practically autonomous through producing. The Master assigns the slave to do His bidding but in the end, the creation is achieved through her hands -- through her doing. Hegel surmised that the Master is actually, in a way, more dependent upon the slave for this very reason. His work can't be accomplished without the slave.

The slave can actually prosper on her own, through her own handiwork, through her own perseverance and dedication, and what she builds becomes a testament to her ability no matter that the vision might be that of her leader.

she may actually be able to create on her own, but being needed, relied upon, is to have worth that means buildings can't get built without you. In fact, the slave actually builds the fortress in which her King resides. she is after finding LIFE in her purpose rather than recognition, again, no matter how contradictory it may seem. she may appear to be seeking the praise and the accolades and in certainty, that stroking is a fine perk, but her essence is immersed in the simple matter of purpose as a statement of self.

(Or at least that is how it seems to me. *S*)

~~~ + ~~~
Illustration: Manipulated Super Stock Image.

Is there a name for this?

i'm not sure what its called but check it out -- according to the Associated Press:

"The Republican campaign, falling behind Obama in polls, plans to make attacks on Obama's character a centerpiece of candidate John McCain's message in the final weeks of the presidential race. Palin told a group of donors at a private airport, "Our opponent ... is someone who sees America, it seems, as being so imperfect, imperfect enough, that he's palling around with terrorists who would target their own country."

They neglected to mention that Obama denounced the person for the person's former ties to a radical group and that Obama was a kid when the group was active.

i've taken down other posts because, remember, i hate politics, and i really don't want to tell you whom i'm for or against. i'll be clear behind the curtain (NOTE: get out and vote!), but i wouldn't want to alienate, say, the BDSM congregation in the event someone is (stupid?, ignorant?, naive?, impressionable?) not able to see that JUST because Obama was on a charity board with a person (a person, not a friend, not a "pal") who had some radical past, does not make Obama someone who "pals around with terrorists".

There is a name for this kind of thing -- i'm sure of it -- but what is it called? i'd like to have one word in which to deposit in tidy fashion this kind of behavior (manipulation?). i'd like to be able to say, okay -- if THAT is leadership, think potential Commander-in-Chief taking things and people out of context, not bending truths but actually lying or fabricating, divisiveness, duplicity, and something about not having enough meat in your own position that the only way to come out ahead is by slamming opposition.

Oh -- right. Politics! That's the word.

How come (stupid?) people actually believe this stuff? How come (stupid?) people can't see when pandering ( kissing-up, lip-service, saying-one-thing-meaning-another) is an insult to their (lack of?) intelligence? How come its all reminding me of zombies paying homage to an evangelist? Blind faith and cheerleading and slander and -------------------- since when did CALCULATION mean character destruction and when did the math stop focusing on things like strategic foreign affairs and budget numbers? (Um ... since the beginning of politics as we know it, silly girl?)

How come i'm so stupid to think that the American people are NOT stupid and should know better?

"IT TAKES BALLS"

That's not an expression i think ladies should ever use. Guts would be better. It takes guts to NOT use the term, BALLS. And then we all know that ladies have, quite often, the gutsy strength to do what some guys can't do, namely, have guts.

ALL THAT ASIDE ... guess what?

i've got a REALLY BIG RED BULBOUS BALL SACK RIGHT UNDER mY TUSH.

i joined a new gym today. The trainer told me my core was not what it should be never mind that hurrah, my body fat was "stellar" and my energy level beyond-beyond. He told me that to increase my stabilization something-or-other and my strength, that i should sit on a a big ball when at the computer.

Ladies, i'm telling you -- IT TAKES BALLS to strengthen up your guts.

(Yikes did i just say BALLS?)

Female Leadership

i just watched television.

God, how can ANYONE think she's a leader?! In ANY realm.

Yeah, well, SURPRISE! BOO! Gotcha. i'm not talking about Palin, i'm talking about Tyra Banks. GOOD GOD, great rack, but the rest, SOS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, maybe i can tolerate her if she's in this get-up ... but PLEASE add gag (and fast). i love the gutter but not guttural.















~~~ + ~~~
PHOTO: Jim DeYonker.

i'm giving out my home address!

i'm giving out my home address AFTER i sing an Olivia Newton John song.

Let's get insular, insular
I wanna get insular, let's get into insular
Let me hear your INSIDES talk,
Your insides talk
Let me hear your insides talk

Ahh, oh, oh, oh -- oh right -- that's right -- she was singing PHYSICAL -- let's get PHYSICAL. Silly me.

Now for my address!

Here is where i live:















And here is where i live the other half of the time (think: weekend-home):















Sometimes i'm twirling, like when i'm in subspace, but at all times, i'm contained and insulated, thanks to Master.

Most of all, and with consistency, i'm busy shutting out the world whenever it doesn't feel like letting me in.

(Aww boo hoo.)

Master is the rescuer, the sealant, and the preserver.

Thank God i'm safe in here and thank God Masters are as crafty as they are. Who knew they could piece together damaged parts and fashion them into self-sustaining art pieces replete with whimsy, decoration, and purpose? And funny how that purpose benefits both the encased and the holder.

Protected while providing a pleasing aesthetic to those outside her little bubble ... hmmm ... makes me now understand how home improvements create more of a sanctuary yet also provide appeal to the passers-by and neighbors just the same.

Turning Tricks

Oh, its not tricks the way you think girls might turn tricks. i've instead adopted a guy trick. Three strikes and you're out. Actually, with guys, it doesn't even always take three strikes. Wake up, don't like ya, throw her out (but not out of bed -- let's be practical afterall -- take what you can get when given opportunity).

Yeah, well, it sounds ruthless. And it is! But its self protection. You can go ahead and save the world but what good is it if you're not here to do the saving? Save yourself first.

i decided that since i have a wee bit more confidence than i used to, i don't need to worry about pleasing even the people who are hired to care about me (that is, UNLESS they feel like caring about me). If you can't do your job, you're gone. If you can't be honest, you're gone. If you can't look me in the eyes and speak truth, you're gone. If you PLAY DUMB or PRETEND to not understand, you're gone. If you suddenly stop trying to please me while i continue trying to please you, you're no different from a betrayer.

This new protocol means i don't have to get upset. i don't have to prove myself. i don't have to EXPLAIN why i can see right through you.

God, why wasn't i born a guy? It only took me all these years as a woman to recognize that a clean severing is more respectful to all parties involved. Goodbye, good riddins, arrividerchi, and au revoir.

~~~ + ~~~
Cartoon by Mark Stivers.

perfection is highly overrated

Perfection is highly overrated UNLESS we're talking about Emanuela Folliero. In her case, i'm game for perfection -- bring it on!

But as to my own abilities, i have to lighten up on myself. 98% is SOMETIMES okay when 150% is not achievable. (Right? Please say, yes.)

Okay -- so i messed up -- the no-carbs-after-3pm rule was not exactly followed. In fact it was off by five hours and fifty minutes. But what can i say?

i got home late from work.
i had errands and appointments after work.
A baked potato for dinner is supposed to be nutritious.
And i think sour cream is protein, right?

GOD help me, i do not need one more thing to obsess over! SOS! Although, on second thought, does obsessing burn calories?

RESOLVE

The bad news? i got smashed Saturday night. The good news? Hitting bottom means A NEW BEGINNING. And that is the case for life in general -- at the bottom, there is no place to go but UP.

Now, i'm not saying i have a problem with getting smashed other than i definitely am known to get carried away. But inevitably i awaken depressed (alcohol is a depressant, people, HEL-LO!), then i have regrets and i NEVER have regrets otherwise ... then self-loathing returns and i literally HATE myself. i consider myself ugly, vulgar, LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS. Master says i'm not at all boisterous but wow does liquor give me the impression that i'm rowdy.

So after a major hang-over yesterday and a migraine that lasted all day and got worse and RUINED mY EVENING of watching the last Yankee game at Yankees Stadium (which is more than enough to depress me already) ............. well, i garnered a new resolve.

During the week, i am getting back on track. 5 Days of SOLID structure and routine. i've done this before ... stuck to the plan for a period of time ... then i get lazy and intimidated. If i'm away from kickboxing or the gym, i find excuses like, "hey, its been three days, what's four?" or "oh and what's a piece of bread and butter, or two, when its been four days and four pounds -------- tomorrow -- i'll start tomorrow ........." and tomorrow never comes.

NO MORE, NO MORE. No more excuses! NO CARBS AFTER 3PM! WORKOUT DILIGENTLY! SLEEP PEACEFULLY. AWAKEN TO BREATHE IN THE NEW DAY AND MAKE USE OF IT ENTIRELY!!

Get it together, baby girl. i feel better when i'm living healthy. i am best on a tight leash. Bedtime by 10pm, scalding hot bath right prior to soothe my sore muscles .............. beauty plans like beauty sleep are not skin deep. They comprise the basis of my mental state.

When history repeats itself ............ REMEMBER IT NEXT TIME.

i try to remember how my father would call me on my drive home from work and how indignant he would get when i had to take another call due to work or crisis or children in need. i'd never have interrupted him if not for something pressing.

i'd hear his consternation turned to belligerence and then standing-on-honor pig-headedness and i'd call him back and he'd hang up on me. i remember, too, his uncanny ability to remember things like this some ten or more years after the fact and his need to douse a perfectly good dinner with jugs of grudge to spoil it.

Words used to pop into my head while it steamed over. Childish! Demanding! Self-pitying! Self-important! Self-centered, self-only, SELFISH!

i try to remember these things when i get cut off -- when i'm put aside, when i'm temporarily displaced and not permanently discarded as i tend to feel it or mindlessly interpret it. i try to remember this when Master's colleagues interrupt him when He is talking on the telephone to me ... when squirrely girls giggle in the background ... when He doesn't call back in two seconds flat. i try to remember this when spontaneity is lost and some self-titled "IMPORTANT" incidental thing of mine is severed right smack in the middle.

i try not to take it personally. i try not to subconsciously punish the innocent. i try to STOP my selfishness from taking over. i try not to repeat history. i try not to be my father.

i try, too, to remember a really fabulous quote:

Anyone can become angry, that is easy ...
but to be angry with the right person,
to the right degree,
at the right time, for the right purpose,
and in the right way ...
this is not easy.
--Aristotle